One more day

One more day until I have an answer about my baptism history information. It was a late night and I awoke many times, once with nausea and pain. It seems I was dreaming some powerful stuff of which I cannot recall today. Yesterday was heavy and what I discovered was that all I feared and thought about what has been going on for so many years was valid. I realized that being adopted and not having the truth about my own identity has influenced so much in life.

I spent years in denial. I played the recorder over and over. "You are so fortunate. You were chosen. You could of ended up so much worse. Be grateful and get over it. It won't make a difference. It is what it is and you cannot change that." Yes, yes and yes but the truth is there is a deep hole of loss and there is a need to know my history. I think as a society, we tend to take for granted that is something most have.

I began this journey before I realized and have been prepared for where I am right now. Moving forward took great courage and the ability to push through the fear. We protect ourselves and others protect us by trying to fill the gaps with the best scenario possible. Truth is it is just that, a scenario. It is not the facts.

Today the message I heard was on abandonment and fear.So appropriate and it helped confirm to me that this journey is real and not imagined or without cause. I have grown over time and this is the next step.

If you or anyone you know if adopted, take time to explore what that really means to the individual. For too long, it was viewed as a simple transition that was justified by the means. It is process that needs to be acknowledged and validated.

That is all I have for now. If you are on a journey like mine, please feel free to comment and share your thoughts. I respect all views because each is individual and unique.