What happens when you realize everything beautiful you thought about yourself was true. Have you been there? I spent my entire life running from what it is I really am. I am learning day by day since discovering the truth of who my biological family is and was, I somehow always had the very pieces inside of me and yet never could identify them as my own.
It was like living one life and watching another in my head that was somehow just a movie or story of my imagination. I always had a strong interest in nature, the stars, the universe, the spiritual world and history. I never failed to notice the sky at sunrise and sunset, the stars, moon and planets in the dark night sky. I had a fixation in these things and always felt pulled toward a side of reality that many spend their lives denying exists.
Is it the sensitivity we develop because we have experienced something many never get to understand? Is the feeling that everything is not as truthful as we are led to believe since our own lives were full of secrets and maybes and what ifs? I was the little girl who might have been staring at you and you didn't know why and meanwhile my little brain and heart was thinking, you look kinda like me, are you my mother, my sister, my brother? It is amazing to me also as I share this went on in my little world, no one around me imagined it did. They admit to not even thinking about it themselves.
I thought about it a lot. I wondered all the time. Who was I really and where did I come from and why was not allowed to know it all? As my kids grew up, the desire became harder to deny. I needed to know why, who, where????
We are taught to just be grateful and accept what we have been given. So, we live with this huge friend named guilt. Guilt likes to invite her friend shame to visit when we aren't playing by the rules. I find often they like to hang out with denial. Denial seems to be the leader of the pack. The one who makes the rules and tells us how it will go. You see, the thoughts we have and feel are dictated by feelings we never even knew had a name. I think I thought they were part of everyone's world so I never questioned their existence until one day I woke up and realized there was a friend I needed more than anything named Truth. Truth helped me see what was going on around me and has helped me slowly walk the other friends, who never really were friends, out the door slowly.
So as I welcome the true me and usher out the figments of what I thought I was supposed to be, I can tell you it is nothing short of amazing. I can breathe and dream and connect and love as I never have before.
It was like living one life and watching another in my head that was somehow just a movie or story of my imagination. I always had a strong interest in nature, the stars, the universe, the spiritual world and history. I never failed to notice the sky at sunrise and sunset, the stars, moon and planets in the dark night sky. I had a fixation in these things and always felt pulled toward a side of reality that many spend their lives denying exists.
Is it the sensitivity we develop because we have experienced something many never get to understand? Is the feeling that everything is not as truthful as we are led to believe since our own lives were full of secrets and maybes and what ifs? I was the little girl who might have been staring at you and you didn't know why and meanwhile my little brain and heart was thinking, you look kinda like me, are you my mother, my sister, my brother? It is amazing to me also as I share this went on in my little world, no one around me imagined it did. They admit to not even thinking about it themselves.
I thought about it a lot. I wondered all the time. Who was I really and where did I come from and why was not allowed to know it all? As my kids grew up, the desire became harder to deny. I needed to know why, who, where????
We are taught to just be grateful and accept what we have been given. So, we live with this huge friend named guilt. Guilt likes to invite her friend shame to visit when we aren't playing by the rules. I find often they like to hang out with denial. Denial seems to be the leader of the pack. The one who makes the rules and tells us how it will go. You see, the thoughts we have and feel are dictated by feelings we never even knew had a name. I think I thought they were part of everyone's world so I never questioned their existence until one day I woke up and realized there was a friend I needed more than anything named Truth. Truth helped me see what was going on around me and has helped me slowly walk the other friends, who never really were friends, out the door slowly.
So as I welcome the true me and usher out the figments of what I thought I was supposed to be, I can tell you it is nothing short of amazing. I can breathe and dream and connect and love as I never have before.
No comments:
Post a Comment