Finding peace in truth

I have spent many years moving from place to place hoping to find somewhere I could call home. We never have fit in wherever we have roamed. It seemed it was always time to move on after a few years. Circumstances were not favorable time and again. We have been living in the same place now for over three years and when we first arrived, I had a feeling that I never had before. Something felt right despite the less than desirable location, it felt right. I knew there would be growth here and I could sense it was what we had been led too. Nothing seemed a mistake anymore but more part of the plan that needed to happen to begin a revealing of truth that I had longed to find for so very long.

That story will be for another time but it is signifigant, After learning the name of my birth mother, I was able to find more information online. She had passed away more than a decade ago and I found a memorial tribute on her high school page. As I read the information, I learned she had died from heart failure as we were told years later. I was only told years later and that she was an alcoholic. I spent years trying to stay away from that demon and it almost won in my teenage years. As the sadness filled my heart, I read on to learn she had been married later on and she had another daughter. I read and reread the passage over and over. I found more and more online and saw my birth sister had posted information on various genealogy sites and had made a memorial page of her own. She posted pictures of my mother's grave and were she was buried. It was all happening so fast. 

I typed and typed and bookmarked and wrote information down. I eventually put all of the pieces together and learned my birth mother's husband had passed away as well. My sister was out there somewhere. But, did she know I existed? That was my burning question. I did not want to disrupt or cause any stress to anyone's life. That was my resolve from the beginning. I would not contact anyone unless I knew they wanted to find me.

I spent the evening pouring over my family tree. Learning the names, looking up obituaries and understanding for the first time my true history and heritage. I was fascinated how the line went all the way back to Ireland. I always had a feeling I was Irish. It was now a fact and I could claim it. It was a sense of peace and understanding I needed.

I found rest that evening thinking of my mother's name and seeing her face. Wondering where my sister might be and where this journey would go. I knew there was more, but I was so exhausted from the emotional roller coaster. I laid my head down and knew tomorrow was a new day.

AN ADOPTEE'S MOMENT OF TRUTH - PART TWO

"I have decided. I need you to open it and tell me is it relevant." I said with confidence.

" I will open it. Ok," I could hear my husband's voice quivering with anticipation.

"It is relevant." he said.

I can remember the tears in my eyes burning and filling my cheeks quickly. My hands were shaking and my mind was racing do fast. "Does it have the name? Does it have a name?"

"Yes." he began balling and I joined in.

This was a very emotional and joyous moment in my life. I asked him to not tell me the name. I wanted to read it myself. I had always imagined the moment I would open it and read it. It was now open and I still wanted to read it with my own eyes before hearing it with my ears.

The answer I had waited for so long. It felt as if I was dreaming. I arrived at my destination and needed to get my self gathered to go in and give a very important presentation. It took me months to schedule this and I needed to be on my game. I could not stop smiling. I wanted to tell the world. I wanted everyone to know who would listen.

The presentation went well and I am certain the state I was in had an impact. I quickly got back to my car and dialed my husband. I let him know I was on my way and I switched on the blue tooth and knew the song I was going to belt out all the way home.

I wasn't sure what the name would reveal, good or bad but I had a name waiting for me after years of closed doors and unanswered questions.

The chains were broken in my soul. I knew who made it happen. Through grace alone!

I got closer and closer and when I reached the city limits I began crying so hard. I knew the answer was near and everything for me had changed.

I entered my home and saw the envelope resting on the counter. My husband looked at me and I ran to hug him tight. After all, it was because of his caring and listening loving heart that I ever knew how to obtain this information. He asked and asked until he found a resource to help.

It felt like moments since this journey first began. My daughter would be coming home soon from school and I had received an email from her teacher with some concerns for her day. I dd not want to fall apart and I knew when I opened that envelope I would be emotionally challenged for a bit. I decided to wait. I wasn't ready. Crazy, right? After all of this, in my reach and I could not open it.

After my daughter arrived and all was well,  I needed some items from the store. My husband left to run the errand and my daughter headed out with some friends. I was alone and it was time.

I slowly peeled back the envelope, pulled the paper out. I opened the folded document to see the name of the church, my adopted name at the top and as I read the details of my baptism, there it was. Her name! I fell to the ground in tears reading it over and over. It was a name I never in a million years would have though up. It was a beautiful name. It was my mother's name.

I laughed so loud and smiled so large. I was so thankful and so overwhelmed with joy. I had it! I finally had it. My identity, my story, my truth.

Now it was time to get on the computer and see what information was available. I was told she was deceased and I was told she was young when she gave birth to me. What I would find would be beyond what I had ever imagined........

AN ADOPTEE'S MOMENT OF TRUTH - Part one

I have been quite busy in the last 24 hours trying to manage and contain a million emotions! I am thankful to report that the on Friday everything in my world changed.

I would like to share how it all happened and the moments that led to an amazing discovery that forever changed the course of my life.


It was a beautiful spring morning, sun shining brightly into the windows and reminding me that today was a new day and another gift I had been given. My anxiety was high as it had been all week as I woke up wondering will this be the day? I quickly simmered the whistling kettle of my mind by saying a few prayers and finding focus on the day ahead. I had two important presentations to give and quite some travel to get to my destination.

Beginning with my morning routine, I searched for my trusty old purple cup and looked for the pot of brewed lead which would soon help me brighten my awareness of the day. Chatted with my hubby about the anticipation I had over the unfamiliar audience I had ahead of me but thankful for something so big to distract me from the constant chatter swimming in my head of what to do next for answers.

Kids were ready, everyone off for their day and I finished gathering my things and hit the road. I was off on a determined mission to reach others about the amazing program I found myself so fortunate to work for and to be a benefit of. In the car, GPS engaged and a long drive ahead. It was good time to spend share some thoughts with my God. I started to feel peace as I acknowledged the surrender of my control on things. I had other decisions pending and it seemed as if everything at once was tugging on my heart. The feelings of uncertainty began to dissipate and I had a strong sense of connection with my Savior and his assurance he was working on things I could not see and to let them unravel in his time.

I arrived and the parking lot was full. Anxiety tipped up a notch. Prayer helped as I gathered my courage and walked into the building and found a spot to sit. I looked at the agenda and knew when I was up. A kind gentleman next to me must have taken note of my jittery state as I counted my folders and counted the people. He asked "May I help you pass those out when you go up?" I felt some relief and thought how God stepped up once again to remind me, "I am here"

My turn arrived and when I got to the front of the room, my mouth felt like hundreds of cotton balls suddenly grew inside my mouth. I had no water and I knew I had to find some calm if I was going to pull this off. I could feel I was much more emotional that I had ever been at this junction of things but I let it lead me to speak about my story, my truth, my hope. I shared as I never had before and I could see the audience engaged and hanging on every word. I saw tears and I saw smiles and I saw nods of confirmation.

A man in the back of the room began to signal me to wrap things up. I found my footing and closed my presentation strong. When it was over the room filled with applause and the man sitting next to me gave me a few fist pumps and yelled, "Great job! Amazing!" I was comforted by many others who gave me reassuring smiles and a look of, thank you for being so real.

After the speakers concluded, I checked my phone. There was a message. "Please call me as soon as you can. Not an emergency but please call." I wondered if my husband lost track of something and needed my assistance. I thought nothing else of it. I began talking with others and appreciated their kind words about my presentation and what an impact the program will be to their families.

I made my way through the crowd lining up for lunch. I headed to the lobby and listened to my voicemail. I had a call I was waiting on which relieved some anxiety. My next goal was to reach my hubby and find out what he needed.

The call was intense and it began, "It is here. It arrived in the mail."
"Don't open it. Is it there? How do you know what it is? Oh my...."
"I won't open it."
"I can't believe it. I am so far away and can't come home until tonight/ Don't open it. I need to open it."

When I hung up the phone, I knew this was going to be one of the biggest days of my life. I knew this would change everything. It may or may not have the answers I was seeking but it was the next step.

I went back and gathered my things. I could not eat. I could not think. I thanked all for helping and meeting. I exchanged some business contacts and got out to my car. I was like a child on Christmas Eve. The anticipation was so overpowering.

GPS ready to go and I drove to my next important meeting. I was not sure how I would hold this together. Tears and laughter. Tears and laughter.

As I got further down the highway, I hit the button to put a call out to my husband. I had made a decision. "Hello"

One more day

One more day until I have an answer about my baptism history information. It was a late night and I awoke many times, once with nausea and pain. It seems I was dreaming some powerful stuff of which I cannot recall today. Yesterday was heavy and what I discovered was that all I feared and thought about what has been going on for so many years was valid. I realized that being adopted and not having the truth about my own identity has influenced so much in life.

I spent years in denial. I played the recorder over and over. "You are so fortunate. You were chosen. You could of ended up so much worse. Be grateful and get over it. It won't make a difference. It is what it is and you cannot change that." Yes, yes and yes but the truth is there is a deep hole of loss and there is a need to know my history. I think as a society, we tend to take for granted that is something most have.

I began this journey before I realized and have been prepared for where I am right now. Moving forward took great courage and the ability to push through the fear. We protect ourselves and others protect us by trying to fill the gaps with the best scenario possible. Truth is it is just that, a scenario. It is not the facts.

Today the message I heard was on abandonment and fear.So appropriate and it helped confirm to me that this journey is real and not imagined or without cause. I have grown over time and this is the next step.

If you or anyone you know if adopted, take time to explore what that really means to the individual. For too long, it was viewed as a simple transition that was justified by the means. It is process that needs to be acknowledged and validated.

That is all I have for now. If you are on a journey like mine, please feel free to comment and share your thoughts. I respect all views because each is individual and unique.