My first National Adoption Day with my truth #adopteevoice

Here we are on the day set up to recognize the many thousands of children around the world with a need that is hard for the common man to relate to. Adoption. Let's first look into the facts. We can start first by looking at the definition.

I found this as the first result on Google search:

noun

noun: adoption; plural noun: adoptions

1. the action or fact of adopting or being adopted.

   "she gave up her children for adoption"

Then I looked up Webster Merriam dictionary:

 

adoption

noun adop·tion \ə-ˈdäp-shən\

: the act or process of adopting a child
: the act or process of beginning to use something new or different

: the act or process of giving official acceptance or approval to something

Examples of ADOPTION

1. They chose adoption because they couldn't have children of their own.
2. children who are available for adoption
3. Our lawyer has handled many adoptions.
4. our adoption of local customs
5. the company's adoption of new technology
6. the unanimous adoption of the resolution by the Senate

So far, I am seeing a theme...do you see it?
Am I just looking for it, you may ask? I do not believe so.

I am honestly doing a search as anyone can to see what the general idea is of adoption.

So, we have "gave up" her children for adoption as the first piece and we have They chose adoption because they couldn't have children of their own. 

Now, we enter the emotional intelligence part. I am going to ask the person reading who is not "adopting" or has "adopted" to try and put yourself in a place you may not have thought about before.

Imagine you do not know where you came from. Imagine you look back and there is a blank spot to how you got here. Try to imagine there is not an explanation for your background, your heritage or your existence. Imagine that the reality you have, your story and understanding of your roots and your being..was blank. You couldn't claim to be...anything. You may have a snippet of a story, but really no proof of anything. Now imagine, you look around and there is no one who looks like you at all. You have no idea where your height came from, the crease in your chin, the shape of your eyes...anything. You cannot claim an ancestry. You are just here.

Imagine you have all of these people around you telling you it is ok. You are told it doesn't matter because love will make it all better. It doesn't matter where you came from and what matters is where you are now. You are fulfilling a really important need people had and it was all God's plan. It was an answer to prayers. You were "chosen".

Yet, deep in your being and soul these are not the truths you feel. Something is not adding up and you learn to silence those ideas and questions because no one else is saying them or acknowledging them. Maybe one day as you grow up you decide you really want to answer some of the questions you have. You may have kids of your own and they begin to ask you about it. Maybe you begin to accept your way into the world and have a need to understand and to find your true identity. The one that has been kept silent.

You begin to search and are told, there is no information. You are actually told it is a secret. That how you got here and why is of no concern....and you are left in the dark to wonder. Just be grateful is the tune that plays over and over. You could have been......

This is the experience of thousands of adoptees in the US who are denied their information and their birth certificates. Some may say it is not a big deal because  no one can change the past. Thing is, we are not trying to change our past, we just want to understand it, heal from it and embrace it.

So, on this Adoption Day 2015, my hope to all adoptees out there who wish to find their truth is they will have it soon. I have mine finally after of years of denial that I didn't need it and awakening of how much I really did. I was given the chance to own my life and my identity and I wish the same for all.

We cannot live in this time of information and deny anyone their right to their truth. No matter what it may be, it is theirs. I would like to see resources spent on getting counsel in place to help those who are going to take this path and I want to see support and understanding for things made right after an ignorant decision made so many years ago. There are so many out there looking for each other and what stands in the way is red tape that should have never been put up in the first place.


My other hope is that we stop telling mothers they are not good enough to raise their own children. I believe an orphan is a child who lost their parents due to death or an illness. I do not believe an orphan is a child chose parent was told their is someone out there who can do it so much better. You want to help that child? Then support that family or young Mom. Be a mentor, give a helping hand and help them to succeed. Tearing children from their roots is never an answer if there are other methods available to help.

I see more open adoptions and I am thankful people understand how important it is to keep the communication open and allow the child to know their truth. I think we have a long way to go though in terms of cracking down on an industry that profits on the insecurities of young Moms.

BTW, to the church, we are not a sin. We are human beings and if your really believe in God who does not make mistakes, it would make sense to believe in a God that saw life created and would find a way for that child with their natural mother or father if they chose to. If they were given the option to raise the child with guidance, support and love from those that surround them. Please stop telling people you can do it better. It really is wrong on so many levels.

For my fellow adoptees who live with the loss of your biological family, I am deeply sorry and I extend my hand to say, I will walk with you. It is our burden to carry and together we will heal at our own time, at our own pace and in our own way. Step one is the acknowledgement that what we feel is real. 

The awakening is here and together we can tell our stories and learn more about who we are. My hope is we can pave the way for a better tomorrow for those who follow. We can't go backwards and fix what was broken for us, we can extend our love, empathy and hope for those ahead.

#adopteevoices I want to hear from you. Please post below and let me know your view, story and ideas. 

Much love,

Bewildered Adoptee

 

 

Feel The Ground Beneath Your Own Feet

The past few weeks have been hard for me. I have had to process a lot of the stuff I really never wanted to. It was no fault of my own as I understand now, it is our nature to react to pain and trauma in certain ways. It is instinct of survival to find a way to escape when we experience danger or are threatened by the loss of our self. It may be physical or mental and it all ties together. For some of us, we have had multiple experiences of loss or threat to our very being.

I want to try and say what needs to be said and I hope I make sense. It is emotional to describe and not always easy to share.

When you shut down and pushed yourself away, it was for protection. When we sense we are in danger, the mind is very powerful and finds a way to cope. This may result in fright, flight or fright mode. You may have different degrees of it at different times and as I have discovered with myself, you may not even recognize it is happening. It becomes so part of our existence, we would fight the largest army on Earth to protect it. No kidding, it is that big. We need to find a way to learn to find the ground.

So, what I want to say is with help, time and understanding, this part of you that holds you back from living, I mean really living, not just surviving can be managed, understood and healed.

It is not an easy process and I would never mislead anyone down this fragile road without stressing how important it is to find a qualified and comfortable guide to head down this path. I had tried years ago and it was not a fit and maybe I also was not ready. I can't say for anyone else, I just hope and pray that anyone who is in this prison and wishes to be freed somehow will find what I have and get the chance to breathe and live.

After this post, I am going to start to share some of the methods, words, songs, books and ideas that have helped me stretch slowly into where I needed to go.

If you are reading this, where ever you are, I do not know you personally, but I can say with all honesty, I am sending you positive energy and great love as you walk this path and take the journey.
I encourage you to start seeking counsel and find a way to finally be you.

You deserve that. The recorder in our heads says we are not worth it and that we just need to be stronger or that we will be abandoned or betrayed anyway. Truth is the strength is in being vulnerable and letting yourself finally live the life you deserve to live. We can't change the past and we can only be in the present and find a way to be grounded in the here and now. The pain will always be there and until we process it in a healthy way it will rule our lives and everyone around us.

You are loved and I know you are worth it. There is an energy available to us all that once we examine and learn to embrace can make life worth living again...not surviving...living. The key is to block out what anyone else has ever said to you or fed you..listen to your self. LISTEN to that part of you that has known all along you are worth more than this. And if you are having a hard time finding it, look for the person you are who loves so much on others and turn it around to you. Look in a mirror and look at yourself as you see others. Give yourself the same mercy and grace...you really are amazing.

Peace.

Underneath this skin, there's a human....

Wound Collector

As you look back on things after being given the right fit, it starts to make sense. Sometimes the ideas and actions from your life start to come into focus. It is like when your vision is super blurry as you look at the letters on the wall and the doctor spins some lens and suddenly it is so crystal clear. The letters haven't changed, but the strength your eyes are given allows your brain to make sense of the lines in front of you. It was always B M W 2 P 6 8, but to you it was just a blur that couldn't be figured out.

I have been revisiting places along my journey. Places I went and couldn't understand why. People I encountered that I instantly felt drawn or connected to that the majority of other people did not. The decisions I made and believed were so well intended. In fact, I see now, they really were. I was labeled as a freak, a misfit and a lost cause and I now see that those were all labels people use when they cannot understand compassion, mercy and grace. When people feel uncomfortable around something, they avoid. I avoided the very things that were supposed to be helpful to me and I felt a magnet to the things society said were not. Thing is, I see now, I was not so wrong. I avoided fake and was drawn to real. Focus.

When you are adopted into a "loving and good" family, people make assumptions about you and those around you. When we see someone open their home and give of their resources, we assume it is all for the benefit of the person they extend their help to. We assume that anyone who would do that is truly a hero and some kind of superior feeling being that could never do any wrong. This is where we go wrong. Intentions are not always on the surface and only those in reciprocation of  the act know the truth. So, it is not always about filling the person's needs but simply our very own.

Where am I going with this? Well, I guess you could say, I spent my life as a wound collector. I had wounds so deep that I could not even begin to understand them. My mind, I believe, protected me by burying them deep into a place I could not recognize them. It is a disconnection that happens emotionally that we truly cannot recognize because the glasses or the vision is not in focus. So, we look around and see this blurry stuff and since we never had the chance to see clearly, we assume that is how it is supposed to look. We don't tell anybody how difficult and scary it is to not really see because we first of all, we aren't really sure if we are imagining it and we also don't want to be viewed as a complainer. So, we steer and hope, and what happens is our other senses heighten. Our hearing and our touch. We start to live life feeling things others use their vision to depict. We tune into a part of the human process many people never get to experience.

So, the people and things that others may tend to avoid based on sight, we tend to feel deeper, we sense things deeper and look deeper into the heart. I can remember making friends with a group of guys from the "boys home". (that is what they called it) I can remember relating to them and somehow feeling a part of their struggle. But how? I had a home and two parents and family and all of the things we are supposed to have to succeed in life. Here is the focus part. Now I see I knew and sensed exactly where my spirit was with all of this. No matter what rhetoric I was fed, I know I too was an orphan and the day I was given to someone else did not erase that. Here were these kids with no parents living in an institution and labeled as lost causes by so many. I could understand why they were in trouble sometimes and why they were angry sometimes and why they didn't fit in. How? I understood their loss and their grief. Mine was just hidden under a false story of redemption. I remained silent, but yet my soul knew the truth.

This went on many years and as things crumbled around me in my fortress of lies, I learned to cling to people who understood my truth even though I did not understand my own. I think I thought if I could help them then I was helping me. It was a falsehood that wrote a script of deceit and confusion in my world.

I collected the wounds of others because they helped me justify my own. It helped me feel normal in a world I could not comprehend. I could not heal because I did not have the truth I needed to do so. I was fed so many lies that the recorder became all I knew.

Focusing and beginning to really see with the right support is critical along this journey. It is time to do more than collect wounds, but allow them to scab and heal. Scars are the result of a healed wound. I choose to collect scars now and take the steps necessary to really understand the difference.

Scars are proof that we went through the battle, but we found a way to survive. Let's see more scars in this world. We cannot predict or prevent wounds. They will happen to us all. What we must do, is help reassure there is a process of healing and the only way healing happens is accepting the wound that is there and giving it the care it needs. Ignoring a wound will not stop the bleeding and it only causes more because pain not dealt with breeds more pain. It spreads and it consumes.

Stop the bleeding and stop collecting. We need to heal together and be real together. Loss is real and trauma is real. If we can defeat denial we can learn to allow truth to heal.