I haven't written in quite a while. It was difficult to put so many thoughts down and explain what I was processing and what I was experiencing. It was so private and intimate that I could not find a way to verbalize any of it. I was not sure of what I was feeling and knew the up and down of emotion would confuse just about anyone if I myself could not describe it to my own self.
With that said, I am happy to report I did hear from my birth sister! I am very thankful to have made contact with her. It has been awkward for all but it has been a good experience. I cannot speak for how she feels so I will refrain from doing so. I can share that I have been moving slowly along and trying to be as sensitive and understanding to her as I can.
I know she initially searched for me years ago, but it is still something that no one has a road map on how to best proceed. I feel it is most important she feels supported and non threatened by my presence in her life. I can only imagine how she must feel and I respect she is trying to process this all. We agreed to take things slowly and we chat as we can. We have not spoken by voice yet and have shared messages. I think it has been a good place to start. I am very thankful to have connected with her and take it day by day.
I am just thankful I found her and I am determined to handle this as gently as possible.
I don't think anyone realizes the magnitude of adoption on a person's life. I feel the general thinking is that you get adopted and you just move along in life and all is well. It is not so.
I understand now more than ever how it has shaped almost every aspect of my being. The process itself is what I think had the most impact. The denial of who I really was had profound results on my entire being,
Now that I know my truth everything has changed. I live everyday in "aha" moments understanding myself more and more. I am not sure if this will last a while or if I will go on discovering things for the rest of my life. Songs I hear, stories I have known, all of it is altered now and I am beginning to see what I really felt at the moments I experienced that piece of my life and learning why I am who I am and many times why I reacted the way I did.
I go through periods of joy because the cloud has lifted. I go through periods of anger for not having this opportunity earlier in my life. I realize how much this secrecy held me back. I realize how much the fact that I did not have assurance of who I really was made me doubt....everything! It affected my relationships, my decisions, my entire life and those around me. I realize that not acknowledging and not having counsel to help me process the significant loss that had occurred from the adoption process was unfortunate and my hope is by sharing the truth and real issues we face, others that follow will not have to wait 30 plus years to live, to breathe, to accept themselves.
My whole life, my birthday was not a day I enjoyed. I never wanted a big party. I only wanted those closest to me near and no fuss to be made. I just thought it was one of my quirks. Well, I guess it is but now I understand that quirk. I didn't have a true story for that day. I did not have a name or face for how I got here or how I got to where I went. I just knew I was on Earth and living and to be grateful. I had life so I was grateful. Not such a bad way to look at things but truthfully....it is more than that, isn't it? We entered the world with a story, with a mother. I did not know who she was and my heart would hurt because I did not know. I could not tell anyone I thought because that would hurt them. So, I suffered in silence for many years and began to just want to avoid it.
NO more avoiding this day. This year, I am processing my story. I do not have every detail but I have a story and I understand and I have my truth. Is it a fairy tale story? No, but it is my story and there is nothing more beautiful to one's soul than truth.
I will blow out the candles this year and make a wish. It is for every adoptee to have their truth if they seek it and that they may find their peace and the support to heal. May we me recognized for who we are. We didn't sign up for this but we are signed on. Let our voice be heard and let hearts be healed. May we embrace our story and love others for theirs. No more darkness and secrecy. Let the light shine on our hearts. Restore our dignity and truth.
Happy Birthday to ME!
P.S. I am an Irish/Scott <3 I can claim it now and it is so exciting to discover my roots and to feel part of something rooted and real now.
With that said, I am happy to report I did hear from my birth sister! I am very thankful to have made contact with her. It has been awkward for all but it has been a good experience. I cannot speak for how she feels so I will refrain from doing so. I can share that I have been moving slowly along and trying to be as sensitive and understanding to her as I can.
I know she initially searched for me years ago, but it is still something that no one has a road map on how to best proceed. I feel it is most important she feels supported and non threatened by my presence in her life. I can only imagine how she must feel and I respect she is trying to process this all. We agreed to take things slowly and we chat as we can. We have not spoken by voice yet and have shared messages. I think it has been a good place to start. I am very thankful to have connected with her and take it day by day.
I am just thankful I found her and I am determined to handle this as gently as possible.
I don't think anyone realizes the magnitude of adoption on a person's life. I feel the general thinking is that you get adopted and you just move along in life and all is well. It is not so.
I understand now more than ever how it has shaped almost every aspect of my being. The process itself is what I think had the most impact. The denial of who I really was had profound results on my entire being,
Now that I know my truth everything has changed. I live everyday in "aha" moments understanding myself more and more. I am not sure if this will last a while or if I will go on discovering things for the rest of my life. Songs I hear, stories I have known, all of it is altered now and I am beginning to see what I really felt at the moments I experienced that piece of my life and learning why I am who I am and many times why I reacted the way I did.
I go through periods of joy because the cloud has lifted. I go through periods of anger for not having this opportunity earlier in my life. I realize how much this secrecy held me back. I realize how much the fact that I did not have assurance of who I really was made me doubt....everything! It affected my relationships, my decisions, my entire life and those around me. I realize that not acknowledging and not having counsel to help me process the significant loss that had occurred from the adoption process was unfortunate and my hope is by sharing the truth and real issues we face, others that follow will not have to wait 30 plus years to live, to breathe, to accept themselves.
My whole life, my birthday was not a day I enjoyed. I never wanted a big party. I only wanted those closest to me near and no fuss to be made. I just thought it was one of my quirks. Well, I guess it is but now I understand that quirk. I didn't have a true story for that day. I did not have a name or face for how I got here or how I got to where I went. I just knew I was on Earth and living and to be grateful. I had life so I was grateful. Not such a bad way to look at things but truthfully....it is more than that, isn't it? We entered the world with a story, with a mother. I did not know who she was and my heart would hurt because I did not know. I could not tell anyone I thought because that would hurt them. So, I suffered in silence for many years and began to just want to avoid it.
NO more avoiding this day. This year, I am processing my story. I do not have every detail but I have a story and I understand and I have my truth. Is it a fairy tale story? No, but it is my story and there is nothing more beautiful to one's soul than truth.
I will blow out the candles this year and make a wish. It is for every adoptee to have their truth if they seek it and that they may find their peace and the support to heal. May we me recognized for who we are. We didn't sign up for this but we are signed on. Let our voice be heard and let hearts be healed. May we embrace our story and love others for theirs. No more darkness and secrecy. Let the light shine on our hearts. Restore our dignity and truth.
Happy Birthday to ME!
P.S. I am an Irish/Scott <3 I can claim it now and it is so exciting to discover my roots and to feel part of something rooted and real now.
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